Empty Nest Article

Our Centre parents who bring their last child to college often ask about resources to deal with the experience commonly known as, "the empty nest". Given the differences in family structure, communication patterns, and methods of dealing with other life transitions, it is challenging to offer up general recommendations. However, the following suggestions, gleaned from popular literature, professional publications, and the shared experiences of other parents, might be useful to our Centre parents:

Acknowledge that change is unsettling, and that having some difficult emotions is a part of the process. It is normal to feel a true sense of loss whenever your family is experiencing a time of change.

Remind yourself that your son or daughter continues to need you in so many ways, and that providing each other support is a basic part of the definition of family.

Remember that you are actually in an intermittent "empty nest", that your student will likely be in and out of the house for some time to come. You don't have to totally adjust to their being gone at this time. The holiday break in December comes faster than you may think!

Reflect on what you have been wanting to do in recent months, or even years, that you haven't had time to do. Set a goal to do that. If you are married, you may have been realizing that you have needed and/or wanted more "couple time". Or, you may have longed for some time to read more for pleasure or work on your physical health. Think about focusing on a positive that, when accomplished, will bring you joy and satisfaction.

If you miss terribly being around children and young people, meet that need in another way - by volunteering, or spending time with other family or community young people.

If you are having other significant life changes at this time as well, such as loss of a job, family death, or divorce, you may want to seek extra support for yourself, including counseling. A build-up of stressors of life changes in a short amount of time can feel overwhelming.

Treasure those moments when you experience the "emerging adult" in your college student, and rejoice that you have contributed to this person who is beginning to make sound decisions and actually making the world a better place. Being a proud and thankful parent at this stage of your child's development is one great way to fill that "empty nest".

Finally, a quote from a book we regularly recommend to parents at Parent Orientation, Letting Go: A Parent's Guide to Understanding the College Years, by Karen Coburn and Madge Treeger, "Young men and women ask for little more at this time than a steady and rooted home base to return to, just as they had many years ago when they hurried back from their adventures across the playground to find Mom and Dad sitting on the park bench where they left them. To provide this sanctuary to the often confusing dynamics of separation and to the long journey the freshman has begun."

Kathy L. Miles, Director of Counseling Services