Centrepiece Online | Fall 2011

What to Do When the Kids Leave Home

“Write often.” “Call home on Sundays.” “Eat meals at Cowan—we paid for them.” “Don’t forget your grandmother’s birthday.” “Get enough sleep.” “Use your alarm clock.”

No matter how many years ago you left home for college, you have memories of the advice your parents gave you.

Parents of this generation of college students, however, are requesting as much advice as they give. They especially want to know how best to guide children entering a new life stage, one developmental psychologists now call “emerging adulthood.”

It’s a new life stage for parents, as well: one of letting go of their adolescent and adjusting to a new set of parenting expectations.

For those who have sent young people to college this fall, here are five tips Centre parents have found helpful from the parent orientation programs we hold at the beginning of each academic year.

The move from home to first year of college is a major transition for your child and in the life of your entire family. Expect change in both. Know that this developmental stage may include many twists and turns for your son or daughter—and that the journey will be as important as the destination.

Just as your college student will be changing, so, too, will you and others still at home. The family reorganizes, even to the point of who sits where around the table. Siblings often feel significant loss when a brother or sister moves away.

You have raised your children in what some have called the most sheltered of all generations in American history. Parents who adjust best to this new stage will lecture less and listen more. They intervene less for their children and guide them more to do things on their own. They allow their children to experience the natural consequences of their behaviors instead of sheltering and hovering over them as “helicopter parents.” (According to Newsweek, you are a helicopter parent if you call your student six times per day or more.)

Sometimes, you may find yourself watching them fall so that they can learn how to pick themselves up and learn from the experience. Families have unwritten “rules” about how to handle important tasks of the family, particularly parenting tasks, and this is a time when you find the rules change. What defines being a good parent of a college student is different from a good parent of a high school student.

Remember that college, and the world beyond college, have changed since you were in school. You will hear more about learning outside the classroom, volunteer opportunities providing key learning experiences, and the critical importance of understanding and appreciating other cultures. You will probably hear more about a variety of teaching and learning methods, often involving technology. This is not to minimize the importance of traditional classroom teaching and learning. Class attendance is still of utmost importance (and required at Centre).

Good communication between family and student contributes to positive college adjustment and success. But patterns of communication change when a child enters college.

Technology has transformed parent-student communication. Cell phones, e-mail and texting provide families with the ability to communicate so much more frequently now. A recent study reported that the average college student in America today communicates with parents 1.5 times per day. Many report much more than that.

Such frequent communication has so many advantages, but it also has its down side for parents. Be aware of the “dump and move on” syndrome that we are hearing about from parents across the country. Because they can communicate with parents so easily, many students will share how awful they feel at any given moment, then feel better and move on—leaving their parents to worry about their child and wonder if they should do anything about it. Students who like to text their parents frequently throughout the day may tell them every time they have a hard class, or a disappointing social situation, or a flutter of anxiety. If this happens to you, remember not to overreact—you had these times as well, but you usually didn’t have the opportunity to share each and every one of them with your parents as they were happening. You can expect that the number of times you hear from your student to decrease as they adjust to their new routine and new friends.

Parents report to us that texting and e-mail are not completely sufficient for good communication—phone calls, short visits, and Skyping help parents know how their student is really doing.

Parents who educate themselves about the resources a college offers can best direct their son or daughter to use those resources appropriately. If you know to whom they can turn to get answers to questions, and if you strongly encourage the use of services available to them as a life skill, you are helping them develop a great foundation for college life and the world beyond. Attending parent orientation, consulting the college’s website, and reading information sent from the college will help you guide them to seek the assistance they need. You might be surprised at the wide range of student support services available on most campuses.

Be prepared to hear about college stressors from your student. Some of those stressors will sound completely familiar to you: study skills, time management, sleep problems, relationship challenges, demanding professors and coaches. Some may seem new and different: what to post on social networking sites and how much time to spend on them, concerns about the environment, which study abroad trip to choose, and anxiety about how to build a resume for an increasingly competitive world. They need your support, and the support of the college faculty and staff, as they sort through all of these concerns.

Never forget that the challenges that come with sending your young person to college are always balanced by your relationships with friends and family. Having a wealth of meaningful relationships is known to minimize the negative effects of stress and change, as well as to make life more enjoyable. Centre alumni know well that relationships are a critical piece of learning how to live in a complicated and challenging world. You return to Centre for Home- coming and other events long after you’ve graduated, to renew those relationships and remember and honor past ones. Relation-ships are the heart of this place we call Centre. As good parents of this Millennial Generation, continue to give them the gift of relationships that last a lifetime, even as you let go and watch them make their way on the journey to adulthood.

P.S. And by the way, some things never change. Students still love packages of cookies from home.