It wasn't really so long ago...

This is it. It's finally hit me. I think this whole transition I'm going through has now really grabbed hold of me and forced me to examine it. I've now begun life on a track independent of my family. Childhood. That innocence and "carefreeness" under the wings of my family is all behind me now.

It all began a few weeks ago at Antigone rehearsal in Grant Hall. It was a late night rehearsing some difficult scenes with our director, Vessela, and my mind started drifting and thinking about all the work I still had to do and how all my activities just demand so much of my time. Amongst that anxiety, I saw Vessela's young daughter sitting underneath the table she was sitting at. Sitting by her mother's feet, she was playing with some toy. I was so frustrated and overwhelmed with my thoughts, and then my eyes just fixed on her. She moved to a bulletin board that had an array of colorful push-pins that she started to play with and used to make what looked like a little duck. She was so absorbed and fascinated in what she was creating. Her innocence and carefreeness was sooo sweet to witness—my eyes began welling up with tears and I felt my throat closing in tightly. She made me think of that childhood that I left behind years ago; that innocent, naïve and curious life where everything just seemed so much easier. I wanted to be her again.

I miss that part of my life where you see everything around you through a different lens. That lens of innocence. And it hit me. My childhood is now officially behind me. That part of my life is gone...

I recently heard the song "Believe" from the Polar Express movie, and the words so expressed how I was feeling. I wish I could put a clip on here for you to listen to (but I can't so go download it!). The words in the beginning talk about children dreaming while snow is falling and then comes in an admiring chorus singing, "We were dreamers, not so long ago. But one by one, we all had to grow up..." Gosh, it really wasn't so long ago when we all were imagining those fairy tale stories without an obligation in the world. Ahh, but now I'm becoming an adult, and am forced to think about my future and what I must succeed in to accomplish my goals.

This all led to me really thinking about my family. I miss my family the way it was growing up. I'm looking at a picture right now on my wall. It's a photo from last year of me standing in between my dad and my mom on Senior Night for Volleyball. Just looking at how they are both standing at my side makes me so appreciate my parents. Part of my identity lies within them! They've always been right by my side through all my activities, events in my life, and life in general. And I soooo appreciate how I'm the person I am today because of them.

Dad has given me that desire to be a leader in whatever I do, and stand up for what's right with confidence. And mom has given me that polite manner of carrying myself, and emphasis on being a woman of integrity. I've witnessed several times now, how the family is no longer appreciated for its role and is often put-down. But it's something I really am proud of! The family is such a beautiful and wonderful thing. I'm so thankful for my family.

Though I miss that part of my life and tears keep streaming down my face as I type all this to you, I really do value the independence I have now. It feels like a tug of war—I want to go back to that life as a child with my family, but I love the independence that I've now been awarded. It's now up to me to decide how my future will unfold. The choices I make, the friends I choose, the things I say...it's all purely mine now. It's now my decisions that will decide who I am to become. It's odd, a little scary, and saddening too, thinking about growing up. And that's something I appreciate about Centre. The professors make you question who you are, everything you believe—they encourage you to develop into that adult you now are.

As finals madness approaches, I keep trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel—Christmas break! I can't wait until we're altogether again as a family and I can really spend time with them. I really do love them so much.