Then they met a Centre alum.

Henry Hyde is a big dude. He’s a white-haired wide-body. Think of a snow-capped Kilimanjaro perambulating into the room. Think of an oil tanker turning around in a river.

Big Henry leans on a cane but is supported mostly by a flock of flacks from the American consulate. Like tugboats they pull and push him to and fro. They aid him in selecting chairs and assist him in occupying them.

Through some egregious error, the American Chamber of Commerce in Australia has included me in a contingent of Australian business leaders who are to brief the congressmen on free-trade issues. I have no qualification for this whatsoever. For 21 years I’ve lived in Australia and not once been mistaken for a Captain of Industry. Maybe they heard that I majored in government at Centre?

Laminated nametags hang from their necks, making the U.S. crowd resemble a bunch of K-Mart managers. Hyde, John LaFalce (D-N.Y.), and Mike Bilirakis (R-Fla.) are the elders. Paul Gilmour (R-Ohio) and Darrell Issa (R-Calif.) are young and deferential. Issa is as sharp and knowledgeable as one can be while wearing a tie decorated with a cartoon character.

Isn’t there a law somewhere against that?

Chairman Hyde cuts to the chase, directing the Australians to “tell us what we need to know.” A rambling discussion ensues: dual taxation, wine, wheat, intellectual property in pharmaceuticals, and free trade.

Unfortunately, we’re moving too fast for some.

Like Mount Aetna, the Greek Bilirakis erupts, “Not to belittle the conversation so far but what does this have to do with us?”

Aussie eyes stare, silence looms, an inter-national incident brews.

LaFalce slickly bails him out by effusively praising Australia for not mindlessly adopting American cultural values. Mentally, I inform him that the first McDonald’s restaurant outside the U.S. was opened in Australia. It took seven years to make a profit. Uncle Sam, we can handle. But Ronald McDonald ground us down like beef.

LaFalce praises Bilirakis for his deep involvement in Florida’s Greek community.

Greeks in Florida? Melbourne has long had more Greeks than any city except Athens but Greeks gathering in gatorland is news.

LaFalce continues cooing. He professes admiration for the Aussie version of the TV game show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, having watched it last night in his hotel room.

“Me too!” echoes Issa. Everybody chortles. I yawp.

Plonked in the most beautiful harbor city in the world and these people watch TV? Suddenly we are far removed from Plato’s Republic. But the room is abuzz. A common chord has been plucked. We may be two countries separated by a common language but evidently we are united by a love of the banal.

Who wants to be a Philosopher King? I ponder.

“. . . And that’s why we need this free-trade agreement,” concludes an Australian businesswoman.

“Can you give me a four-page summary?” enquires LaFalce. “Upon my return I’m dining with the person who can make that happen.”

Boom! I think. Just like that. Done. You meet somebody, who knows somebody, who can get it done half a world away. Government in action. Not pretty. But pretty effective.

Hyde concludes with a quip, “If we can’t agree with Australia, then whom can we agree with!”

On his way out Mel Watt (D-N.C.) tells me that his fact-finding tours have taken him to South America, Central America, and now Asia-Pacific.

Hmmm, I think, those facts sure know how to hide.

But give these politicians credit. They may grasp at international issues but they all know what international companies inhabit their districts. They all look for relevance of issues to the folks back home. Like the people they serve these representatives vary in color, style, accent, and ability.

Come to think of it, these guys are just like us, only more so.

Hooray for democracy.

Australian Prime Minister John Howard’s address to the combined houses of the U.S. Congress, scheduled for Sept. 11, 2001, was postponed.

Duff Watkins ’77 (research@speednet.com.au) is a national governor of the American Chamber of Commerce in Australia. He is not one of the 1.87 million viewers who watch Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

For other Centrepiece stories by Duff Watkins ’77, see:
•Safe As Houses (Winter 2000)

•Atop From Afar (Spring 2000)

•Lying Low in Louisville (Summer 1999)